roseapothecary | 𝔸𝔻 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸 ✰ 𝕀ℕ𝔹𝕆𝕏;

[ Patrick glances up at him, his expression so serious it's like it's physically leaching fun out of the room, but he looks back down at the toiletries he's tucking into his bag again almost immediately, still unable to maintain eye contact. ]

We're not moving.

[ A fractional pause, and he sighs. ]

...You're not moving.

[ David immediately feels the chill in the expression and he checks himself, pausing in the middle of the room to glance around like there's something to see that will clarify the situation for him. But there's nothing, except the noted absence of some of Patrick's things (little that they have). ]

Huh?

[ And then, unsure, as though it can't possibly be right: ]

Wait-- we're being split up? Why?

[ Because it couldn't possibly be Patrick making that decision, could it? ]

[ Of course this can't be easy. Even so, Patrick hadn't expected to have to spell things out to quite this extent. Why is David acting so clueless, after everything that had just happened? If anything, he should be surprised to have found Patrick still here at all.

He shakes his head, still staring down at his bag rather than looking at David. ]

No. They're not - no one's splitting us up.

I just...

[ Despite everything, despite how he hardly feels worthy of being in the same room as David at the moment, he doesn't actually want to go. Just the idea is making him miserable, and he sighs again, fingers tightening on the canvas of his bag as he stares sightlessly down at it. ]

I just thought I'd...find somewhere else to be for a while.

Give you - give us both some space.

[ The longer Patrick takes to clarify what he means, the more the sense of dread has time to build inside David. He's drifted a little closer to Patrick inside their room, just on the instinct of wanting to be close to him, but when he finally explains what he's doing, it's like the bottom of David's stomach drops out. ]

Why...?

[ Instantly David starts running recent events through his mind and although he sticks on that day, he can't figure out what's caused this. Was it because he'd shown up and interrupted Patrick and Thor? Because he hadn't somehow found a way to stop it? Was it something else entirely? Was he being dumped? ]

Did I do something!?

[ He sounds hopelessly and desperately confused and he just stands there, mouth hanging open, waiting for a better explanation. ]

[ Why? Why? It's too much. Patrick drops the socks he'd been holding and turns to face David, a pained, unhappy expression on his face. ]

I did something.

[ Which both of them know. He stares at David, disbelieving, trying and failing not to hate himself. ]

I - You found - you walked in on me with another man, David.

I was getting a blowjob from our neighbor.

[ Remember?? When that happened?? Patrick sure does. ]

[ Oh. Ohhhhh.

...Fuck.

David's stomach sinks again, but there's a coiling panic there too that he resolutely ignores for the time being. ]

Um. Yeah? So?

[ David crosses the rest of the room in a little rush but doesn't presume to reach out to Patrick. He can tell that his husband doesn't want to be touched at the moment. ]

I mean, it would have been nice if you'd warned me, but--

Have you forgotten everything else that happened!? It's not like you were alone.

[ And it isn't like David could have stopped any of it if he'd tried, so he has to assume that it felt much the same for Patrick. ]

[ He manages to stand his ground, not backing away when David steps close, but it's a near thing.

His reaction doesn't help at all. The concept of this just not being a big deal is just...too foreign to contemplate, and when David mentions a warning, Patrick's own stomach sinks. Yeah, that would have been nice. It would have been nice if Patrick had never betrayed his husband like that at all. ]

I cheated on you.

[ There it is, right? ]

I didn't warn you, I didn't ask, we didn't... discuss it first. I just...

[ He looks away, jaw tightening. ]

Lost control.

[ And there it is, indeed. Understanding clicks into place belatedly for David and his face falls even more, a distinct sadness creeping into his eyes that has nothing to do with feeling betrayed and everything to do with being unable to fix how Patrick must be feeling. ]

But we did discuss it. I mean... we have discussed it. Before.

[ More than once, though the results of their conversations had been different both times. David doesn't think this was a Ken situation. Was it? ]

And anyway, you didn't... mean to, did you?

[ As he says it, David realizes that the possibility that it had had nothing to do with the strange, compelled state David had found himself in at the time (and which Patrick had experienced once before) was a scenario had hadn't been willing to consider. ]

Wasn't it... Didn't it feel like the last time?

Have we?

[ Ken had been...a million years ago. A lifetime ago. And besides the fact that nothing had happened, it hadn't been like this. For many reasons.

And then... they hadn't really discussed it again. They'd both been there at Jake's, walking into it together, and again, nothing had happened.

He looks up to meet David's eyes again, his own still full of self-loathing and regret. ]

No, I didn't mean to.

You're right. It was just like the last time I completely lost my mind and ruined everything for us.

[ David lets out a breath he'd been holding at that confirmation and his shoulders sag a little in relief, but just as he's raising his hands to his face to rub his brow with his fingertips, his full attention snaps back towards Patrick again in an instant. ]

You ruined everything for us? Everything?

[ He just stands there, sort of gaping at him, and realizes what the fear that's rolling around in him has to be about. ]

You mean, like how I ruined our wedding day?

[ Is that what sex means to Patrick? It's enough to wipe everything else out? Does he regret marrying David after what he'd done, then? ]

[ Their wedding day, and the unfortunate misunderstanding with the masseuse that morning, had been the absolute last thing on Patrick's mind, and he's so taken off guard by the sudden pivot that for a moment all he can do is stare. ]

No - that's not -

That was nothing like this. You thought - you thought I asked for that!

[ Which, yes, was an absolutely insane assumption to make, and David should have known better, but still. Still. ]

[ From Patrick's reaction, David can't tell if he's hit a baseball goal or if he's just made everything worse and it's a challenge to wait for him to finish stuttering out a response. ]

Which is different from you being physically-- [ and he bounces slightly with every syllable for emphasis ] unable to stop yourself? It's somehow okay, and what you did isn't?

[ He's almost breathless and it seems like he's physically incapable of closing his mouth. ]

Isn't what matters whether I forgive you? Like you forgave me?

[ It's a good thing incorrect sports metaphors aren't passed through the empathy bond the way emotions are, or Patrick's brain may have broken with that one even without the two of them touching.

But David's right, of course. Patrick - both of them, because David had definitely been just as enthusiastically involved, even if he hadn't been the one to initiate things with Thor - had been as completely helpless to stop things as Patrick had been with the vines. More so, maybe. That time he'd at least tried to coax David into things, instead of shamelessly throwing himself at the first warm body he ran into.

But all of that is secondary to the real issue, the one that's been eating at Patrick, a low, horrible gnawing deep in his gut, ever since the effects of whatever it had been this time had finally worn off. And when David starts talking about what matters, his voice becoming more and more shrill, Patrick can't hold it back anymore. ]

I liked it!

[ The words burst out of him before he has a chance to think, and he falls silent for a second afterwards, just staring, wild-eyed. ]

It didn't just happen, David - I mean it did but - I liked it. What it felt like. Being with -

[ He cuts himself off, looking away, his face beet red. ]

I can't stop thinking about it.

[ The admission brings David up short. He blinks, finally figuring out how to snap his mouth shut just in time for him to start chewing on his bottom lip. Of course Patrick had liked it, why wouldn't he have, Thor is gorgeous.

But to hear that he's been stuck on it? That leaves David feeling very small.

He opens his mouth to ask: did you like it better than with me? but thankfully the words die in his throat. It's what he's thinking, what he's worried about, but nothing in the world could make him actually ask it.

Because he doesn't want to be lied to, not right now, and he definitely doesn't want to know the answer if it's yes. ]

Do you... um. Want it to happen again, then?

[ That's certainly a different conversation altogether, but David has to know. ]

Edited 2021-05-11 08:13 (UTC)

[ Patrick just shakes his head, his face still turned away. It's not a denial, though. Just a gesture of hopelessness, of exhaustion. How's he supposed to answer that? He knows, or thinks he knows, what kind of answer David wants to hear. But he can't lie. ]

I don't...want to want it.

You... should be enough for me, David.

[ He looks back at him, finally, expression pleading and miserable. ]

You are enough. All by yourself. I love you so much.

[ But. ]

[ David thought he was ready for the truth, but the admission still feels like a blow. For a moment it looks like he's going to say something, but he doesn't. He just looks away, blinks hard to keep from crying, and tries to wipe surreptitiously at the corner of his eye where a tear has gotten away from him. ]

I love you, too.

[ For a long stretch, he doesn't know what else to say. He sits down on the edge of their bed, rubs his face with his hands, and then looks up at Patrick. He tries not to look mournful. He tries to smile.

It isn't the end of his world if he doesn't make it the end of the world. ]

That's why I-- I can't tell you not to. That isn't love. [ But he hesitates, because David has never been sure about these things. ] Right?

[ He hadn't expected this to be easy, but even so, watching David's reaction feels like someone's scooping Patrick's heart out of his chest and dumping it on the ground. He stands there, feeling empty and helpless and like the absolute worst person in the world, as David wipes away a tear and tries to be brave.

But as soon as he realizes what David's trying to say, the way he's completely dismissing his own comfort and needs in order to give Patrick what he thinks he wants, Patrick's shaking his head, rushing over to sit on the bed next to him. ]

No - no.

[ He shakes his head again, adamant, and then after a moment of prolonged hesitation, reaches out to take David's hand in both of his, empathy bond and all. ]

You're allowed to have boundaries. Okay? I made a committment to you. A promise.

[ He squeezes David's hand, and though he knows and hates that David will feel the undercurrent of regret that Patrick does, he's hoping against hope that the love and devotion and sincerity he's sending his way will be enough to at least make up for it. ]

If that's not - something you want - we don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Ever. We don't even have to talk about it, ever again. Okay?

[ When Patrick tells him 'no', the look of determined acceptance on David's face shatters into something lost because he's just so confused. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to handle this? The questions are put on hold when Patrick takes David's hands and the rush of the connection between them makes David want to cry again. He refuses to do so, even though he can't help how the empathy bond broadcasts how adrift he feels. ]

You're all I want.

[ It comes out in a very small voice because it's frightening how true it is. David clears his throat aggressively and looks away to gather himself before continuing. ]

But that doesn't mean that's fair to you. I've done the catting around. I had the chance. You... haven't.

[ It was always something David had been nervous about. From the very beginning, as exciting as it had been to hear that he was Patrick's first real, romantic kiss, it was also something weighing on him; that one single experience couldn't possibly be enough for Patrick. Just because he found David when he didn't shouldn't mean that the rest of his sexual life should be locked away.

And David doesn't want that if there's a chance it will make Patrick resent him. ]

I want you to be happy. That's all.

[ Patrick can't help the way his forehead creases in confusion. True, he'd been beating himself up about this, but David had seemed perfectly willing to accept Patrick's 'gift' of a happy ending from a stranger the morning of their wedding. He'd been just as happy to venture out and see what Jake might have planned for them both, earlier in their realationship. He'd even been part of a 'throuple' before, hadn't he?

He just...never would have predicted that he might be the one looking for more now, while David was satisfied with what they had.

It's a surprise, and, if he's honest with himself, a bit of a disappointment. After all, David had seemed to enjoy himself with Thor too, and he'd thought...

But it doesn't matter. If Patrick is all David wants, if he's happy with what he has, like hell is Patrick going to protest that. ]

I am happy. I promise.

I married you, David. [ And he squeezes his hand again, thumb rubbing over his engagement rings for emphasis. ] It's not unfair to...to expect me to honor that.

[ David can feel Patrick's confusion through the bond and even though he doesn't know what to make of it, he winds their fingers together that much tighter and tries his hardest to believe what Patrick is telling him. He knows it's true.

But he also knows he's still missing something. ]

I know.

[ His heart feels like it's going to burst when Patrick runs his finger over David's rings and he forces himself to make the offer, despite all of the unknowns it could introduce into their marriage. ]

I'm just... I'm just saying. If you ever want to step out? Just... talk to me, okay? [ David hasn't wanted anyone since Patrick, but expecting the same isn't realistic, he's realizing. ] It isn't fair that I should be the only... experience you ever have.

[ Patrick looks down at their hands, smiling a little when David tightens his grip. It's not a completely happy smile. Even as he'd felt guilty and conflicting for even wanting this, he'd still harbored a little shred of hope. That once he confessed to what he was feeling, David would understand. His face would light up and he'd give Patrick that slow, smoldering grin, lips all twisted up to one side. He'd lean in close and whisper I liked it too.

Stupid.

But it's not a big deal. It had just been an idea, one he'd barely been able to admit he was fantasizing about, even to himself. David's not interested, and David's the one who's important to Patrick. So that's that.

But of course, David can't just let it be that. Patrick sighs out quietly through his nose, closing his eyes and waiting for him to finish. It doesn't even make sense. This isn't something they can exactly compromise on, and if David thinks for one second that Patrick's going to let him guilt himself into participating in something he's not one thousand percent on board with, just so Patrick can have an experience...

He stops. Actually processes David's words for a second. Rewinds their conversation in his head.

Then slowly raises his head to look at him. ]

What...do you mean, step out?

[ Thanks to the empathy bond that's had plenty of time to sharpen and refine itself between the two of them, David can feel that sharp left turn in Patrick's train of thought, even if he doesn't know what to make of it.

His expression quirks into a question as he meets his husband's odd gaze. Does he really need to clarify? He thought everyone was familiar with that euphemism. ]

Well... cheating on me sounds so... crass? And incorrect? If you have my permission, I mean. We'd need a better word.

But not swinging, god. Ew.

[ Does internal screaming count as an emotion? If so, David's probably being mentally deafened right about now.

Crass doesn't begin to cover it. He actually yanks his hands back, which is probably not the best move at the moment, but he's so viscerally disgusted and horrified - is that what David had thought he was asking for? - it happens before he can stop it. ]

I wasn't -

[ It's also hard just to find the words for what he wants to say, just how much he wants to disabuse David of everything he's apparently been thinking for this whole conversation, leaving Patrick tongue-tied and floundering. ]

I don't - want - to - I don't want to cheat on you, David!

That's not what - I never wanted that!

[ It does count and David is overwhelmed in the brief moments of Patrick's realization before he snatches his hands back from David's, but it's nothing compared to the complete confusion that settles over him as he watches his husband try to sputter out a response to David's suggestion. A suggestion, by the way, that he'd thought was extremely generous given what he'd just been told (or, it's slowly dawning on him, maybe not-quite told).

He just gapes, open-mouthed, until it seems like Patrick has paused for a proper breath. ]

Well!?

[ It comes out shrill with an accompanying frantic, hand-flapping gesture because David has been trying, really trying, to handle this as gently as he can and he truly does not like feeling like an idiot. He's never felt more at a loss in a conversation with Patrick - at least not since the day he'd found out that he was secretly engaged - and that wonderful flashback is not helping how at a loss he feels right now. ]

How about you tell me what you do want, then? [ His expression is a picture of 'help me out here?' ] Let's start there!?

[ Clearly articulating what he actually means, what a concept. But all Patrick can do is stare for a moment as he tries to put the pieces together and reframe this whole conversation.

And remind himself that just because David had thought he was proposing something else, doesn't mean he'll be any more amenable to what Patrick was talking about. ]

I want.

[ He swallows, and looks away again, staring straight ahead at the wall. ]

I - don't know that I want it, exactly. I haven't. [ He closes his eyes briefly. He'd been trying to leave when David had walked in, after all. He hadn't wanted to ask for this, he'd wanted to...stop wanting it. ]

But I liked...I liked being with both of you, David. At the same time. I liked...I liked that it was you, specifically, and me and...someone else.

[ He flushes further and further as he speaks, the red creeping up from his collar, his face hot. ]

That's what I...couldn't stop thinking about.

𝔸𝔻 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸 ✰ 𝕀ℕ𝔹𝕆𝕏;

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