roseapothecary | 𝔸𝔻 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸 ✰ 𝕀ℕ𝔹𝕆𝕏;

[ He manages to stand his ground, not backing away when David steps close, but it's a near thing.

His reaction doesn't help at all. The concept of this just not being a big deal is just...too foreign to contemplate, and when David mentions a warning, Patrick's own stomach sinks. Yeah, that would have been nice. It would have been nice if Patrick had never betrayed his husband like that at all. ]

I cheated on you.

[ There it is, right? ]

I didn't warn you, I didn't ask, we didn't... discuss it first. I just...

[ He looks away, jaw tightening. ]

Lost control.

[ And there it is, indeed. Understanding clicks into place belatedly for David and his face falls even more, a distinct sadness creeping into his eyes that has nothing to do with feeling betrayed and everything to do with being unable to fix how Patrick must be feeling. ]

But we did discuss it. I mean... we have discussed it. Before.

[ More than once, though the results of their conversations had been different both times. David doesn't think this was a Ken situation. Was it? ]

And anyway, you didn't... mean to, did you?

[ As he says it, David realizes that the possibility that it had had nothing to do with the strange, compelled state David had found himself in at the time (and which Patrick had experienced once before) was a scenario had hadn't been willing to consider. ]

Wasn't it... Didn't it feel like the last time?

Have we?

[ Ken had been...a million years ago. A lifetime ago. And besides the fact that nothing had happened, it hadn't been like this. For many reasons.

And then... they hadn't really discussed it again. They'd both been there at Jake's, walking into it together, and again, nothing had happened.

He looks up to meet David's eyes again, his own still full of self-loathing and regret. ]

No, I didn't mean to.

You're right. It was just like the last time I completely lost my mind and ruined everything for us.

[ David lets out a breath he'd been holding at that confirmation and his shoulders sag a little in relief, but just as he's raising his hands to his face to rub his brow with his fingertips, his full attention snaps back towards Patrick again in an instant. ]

You ruined everything for us? Everything?

[ He just stands there, sort of gaping at him, and realizes what the fear that's rolling around in him has to be about. ]

You mean, like how I ruined our wedding day?

[ Is that what sex means to Patrick? It's enough to wipe everything else out? Does he regret marrying David after what he'd done, then? ]

[ Their wedding day, and the unfortunate misunderstanding with the masseuse that morning, had been the absolute last thing on Patrick's mind, and he's so taken off guard by the sudden pivot that for a moment all he can do is stare. ]

No - that's not -

That was nothing like this. You thought - you thought I asked for that!

[ Which, yes, was an absolutely insane assumption to make, and David should have known better, but still. Still. ]

[ From Patrick's reaction, David can't tell if he's hit a baseball goal or if he's just made everything worse and it's a challenge to wait for him to finish stuttering out a response. ]

Which is different from you being physically-- [ and he bounces slightly with every syllable for emphasis ] unable to stop yourself? It's somehow okay, and what you did isn't?

[ He's almost breathless and it seems like he's physically incapable of closing his mouth. ]

Isn't what matters whether I forgive you? Like you forgave me?

[ It's a good thing incorrect sports metaphors aren't passed through the empathy bond the way emotions are, or Patrick's brain may have broken with that one even without the two of them touching.

But David's right, of course. Patrick - both of them, because David had definitely been just as enthusiastically involved, even if he hadn't been the one to initiate things with Thor - had been as completely helpless to stop things as Patrick had been with the vines. More so, maybe. That time he'd at least tried to coax David into things, instead of shamelessly throwing himself at the first warm body he ran into.

But all of that is secondary to the real issue, the one that's been eating at Patrick, a low, horrible gnawing deep in his gut, ever since the effects of whatever it had been this time had finally worn off. And when David starts talking about what matters, his voice becoming more and more shrill, Patrick can't hold it back anymore. ]

I liked it!

[ The words burst out of him before he has a chance to think, and he falls silent for a second afterwards, just staring, wild-eyed. ]

It didn't just happen, David - I mean it did but - I liked it. What it felt like. Being with -

[ He cuts himself off, looking away, his face beet red. ]

I can't stop thinking about it.

[ The admission brings David up short. He blinks, finally figuring out how to snap his mouth shut just in time for him to start chewing on his bottom lip. Of course Patrick had liked it, why wouldn't he have, Thor is gorgeous.

But to hear that he's been stuck on it? That leaves David feeling very small.

He opens his mouth to ask: did you like it better than with me? but thankfully the words die in his throat. It's what he's thinking, what he's worried about, but nothing in the world could make him actually ask it.

Because he doesn't want to be lied to, not right now, and he definitely doesn't want to know the answer if it's yes. ]

Do you... um. Want it to happen again, then?

[ That's certainly a different conversation altogether, but David has to know. ]

Edited 2021-05-11 08:13 (UTC)

[ Patrick just shakes his head, his face still turned away. It's not a denial, though. Just a gesture of hopelessness, of exhaustion. How's he supposed to answer that? He knows, or thinks he knows, what kind of answer David wants to hear. But he can't lie. ]

I don't...want to want it.

You... should be enough for me, David.

[ He looks back at him, finally, expression pleading and miserable. ]

You are enough. All by yourself. I love you so much.

[ But. ]

[ David thought he was ready for the truth, but the admission still feels like a blow. For a moment it looks like he's going to say something, but he doesn't. He just looks away, blinks hard to keep from crying, and tries to wipe surreptitiously at the corner of his eye where a tear has gotten away from him. ]

I love you, too.

[ For a long stretch, he doesn't know what else to say. He sits down on the edge of their bed, rubs his face with his hands, and then looks up at Patrick. He tries not to look mournful. He tries to smile.

It isn't the end of his world if he doesn't make it the end of the world. ]

That's why I-- I can't tell you not to. That isn't love. [ But he hesitates, because David has never been sure about these things. ] Right?

[ He hadn't expected this to be easy, but even so, watching David's reaction feels like someone's scooping Patrick's heart out of his chest and dumping it on the ground. He stands there, feeling empty and helpless and like the absolute worst person in the world, as David wipes away a tear and tries to be brave.

But as soon as he realizes what David's trying to say, the way he's completely dismissing his own comfort and needs in order to give Patrick what he thinks he wants, Patrick's shaking his head, rushing over to sit on the bed next to him. ]

No - no.

[ He shakes his head again, adamant, and then after a moment of prolonged hesitation, reaches out to take David's hand in both of his, empathy bond and all. ]

You're allowed to have boundaries. Okay? I made a committment to you. A promise.

[ He squeezes David's hand, and though he knows and hates that David will feel the undercurrent of regret that Patrick does, he's hoping against hope that the love and devotion and sincerity he's sending his way will be enough to at least make up for it. ]

If that's not - something you want - we don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Ever. We don't even have to talk about it, ever again. Okay?

[ When Patrick tells him 'no', the look of determined acceptance on David's face shatters into something lost because he's just so confused. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to handle this? The questions are put on hold when Patrick takes David's hands and the rush of the connection between them makes David want to cry again. He refuses to do so, even though he can't help how the empathy bond broadcasts how adrift he feels. ]

You're all I want.

[ It comes out in a very small voice because it's frightening how true it is. David clears his throat aggressively and looks away to gather himself before continuing. ]

But that doesn't mean that's fair to you. I've done the catting around. I had the chance. You... haven't.

[ It was always something David had been nervous about. From the very beginning, as exciting as it had been to hear that he was Patrick's first real, romantic kiss, it was also something weighing on him; that one single experience couldn't possibly be enough for Patrick. Just because he found David when he didn't shouldn't mean that the rest of his sexual life should be locked away.

And David doesn't want that if there's a chance it will make Patrick resent him. ]

I want you to be happy. That's all.

[ Patrick can't help the way his forehead creases in confusion. True, he'd been beating himself up about this, but David had seemed perfectly willing to accept Patrick's 'gift' of a happy ending from a stranger the morning of their wedding. He'd been just as happy to venture out and see what Jake might have planned for them both, earlier in their realationship. He'd even been part of a 'throuple' before, hadn't he?

He just...never would have predicted that he might be the one looking for more now, while David was satisfied with what they had.

It's a surprise, and, if he's honest with himself, a bit of a disappointment. After all, David had seemed to enjoy himself with Thor too, and he'd thought...

But it doesn't matter. If Patrick is all David wants, if he's happy with what he has, like hell is Patrick going to protest that. ]

I am happy. I promise.

I married you, David. [ And he squeezes his hand again, thumb rubbing over his engagement rings for emphasis. ] It's not unfair to...to expect me to honor that.

[ David can feel Patrick's confusion through the bond and even though he doesn't know what to make of it, he winds their fingers together that much tighter and tries his hardest to believe what Patrick is telling him. He knows it's true.

But he also knows he's still missing something. ]

I know.

[ His heart feels like it's going to burst when Patrick runs his finger over David's rings and he forces himself to make the offer, despite all of the unknowns it could introduce into their marriage. ]

I'm just... I'm just saying. If you ever want to step out? Just... talk to me, okay? [ David hasn't wanted anyone since Patrick, but expecting the same isn't realistic, he's realizing. ] It isn't fair that I should be the only... experience you ever have.

[ Patrick looks down at their hands, smiling a little when David tightens his grip. It's not a completely happy smile. Even as he'd felt guilty and conflicting for even wanting this, he'd still harbored a little shred of hope. That once he confessed to what he was feeling, David would understand. His face would light up and he'd give Patrick that slow, smoldering grin, lips all twisted up to one side. He'd lean in close and whisper I liked it too.

Stupid.

But it's not a big deal. It had just been an idea, one he'd barely been able to admit he was fantasizing about, even to himself. David's not interested, and David's the one who's important to Patrick. So that's that.

But of course, David can't just let it be that. Patrick sighs out quietly through his nose, closing his eyes and waiting for him to finish. It doesn't even make sense. This isn't something they can exactly compromise on, and if David thinks for one second that Patrick's going to let him guilt himself into participating in something he's not one thousand percent on board with, just so Patrick can have an experience...

He stops. Actually processes David's words for a second. Rewinds their conversation in his head.

Then slowly raises his head to look at him. ]

What...do you mean, step out?

[ Thanks to the empathy bond that's had plenty of time to sharpen and refine itself between the two of them, David can feel that sharp left turn in Patrick's train of thought, even if he doesn't know what to make of it.

His expression quirks into a question as he meets his husband's odd gaze. Does he really need to clarify? He thought everyone was familiar with that euphemism. ]

Well... cheating on me sounds so... crass? And incorrect? If you have my permission, I mean. We'd need a better word.

But not swinging, god. Ew.

[ Does internal screaming count as an emotion? If so, David's probably being mentally deafened right about now.

Crass doesn't begin to cover it. He actually yanks his hands back, which is probably not the best move at the moment, but he's so viscerally disgusted and horrified - is that what David had thought he was asking for? - it happens before he can stop it. ]

I wasn't -

[ It's also hard just to find the words for what he wants to say, just how much he wants to disabuse David of everything he's apparently been thinking for this whole conversation, leaving Patrick tongue-tied and floundering. ]

I don't - want - to - I don't want to cheat on you, David!

That's not what - I never wanted that!

[ It does count and David is overwhelmed in the brief moments of Patrick's realization before he snatches his hands back from David's, but it's nothing compared to the complete confusion that settles over him as he watches his husband try to sputter out a response to David's suggestion. A suggestion, by the way, that he'd thought was extremely generous given what he'd just been told (or, it's slowly dawning on him, maybe not-quite told).

He just gapes, open-mouthed, until it seems like Patrick has paused for a proper breath. ]

Well!?

[ It comes out shrill with an accompanying frantic, hand-flapping gesture because David has been trying, really trying, to handle this as gently as he can and he truly does not like feeling like an idiot. He's never felt more at a loss in a conversation with Patrick - at least not since the day he'd found out that he was secretly engaged - and that wonderful flashback is not helping how at a loss he feels right now. ]

How about you tell me what you do want, then? [ His expression is a picture of 'help me out here?' ] Let's start there!?

[ Clearly articulating what he actually means, what a concept. But all Patrick can do is stare for a moment as he tries to put the pieces together and reframe this whole conversation.

And remind himself that just because David had thought he was proposing something else, doesn't mean he'll be any more amenable to what Patrick was talking about. ]

I want.

[ He swallows, and looks away again, staring straight ahead at the wall. ]

I - don't know that I want it, exactly. I haven't. [ He closes his eyes briefly. He'd been trying to leave when David had walked in, after all. He hadn't wanted to ask for this, he'd wanted to...stop wanting it. ]

But I liked...I liked being with both of you, David. At the same time. I liked...I liked that it was you, specifically, and me and...someone else.

[ He flushes further and further as he speaks, the red creeping up from his collar, his face hot. ]

That's what I...couldn't stop thinking about.

[ When Patrick starts with 'I want' and then trails off into nothingness, David sweeps his hand around in another impatient gesture as if to say 'come ON'. He doesn't appreciate the way that Patrick fixes his gaze on the wall instead of him but at least he has the little sliver of grace left in him that it takes to just listen to Patrick without cutting him off in frustration.

But once it sinks in, David just stares.

Then he closes his eyes, tilts his head back and presses the heels of his hands to both temples as though he's listening to the worse song in the world. ]

Oh. My god. So. [ He purses his lips and shakes his head and it seems like his eyebrows can't decide between scrunching together and reaching for his hairline. He still hasn't opened his eyes. ] What exactly are you saying, Patrick?

[ David has no interest in embarrassing himself once again by jumping to a conclusion he sees as obvious but which apparently might not be, but there's also a part of him that wants to make Patrick articulate himself better. He owes David.

He finally opens his eyes and the look he settles on his husband is one of almost good-natured impatience. Well?? ]

[ He's trying. He is, and he pushes forward as best he can, valiantly ignoring David's dramatic gesture of impatience in his peripheral vision. But it's still not a great explanation, and he knows it. Partly because he's still coming to terms with the idea himself.

He glances sidelong at David, wary, but for once his husband's reaction is inscrutable. With his eyes squeezed tightly shut and his head tilted up to the sky, it's impossible to tell if he's about to laugh in pure joy or kick Patrick out of the room on his ass after all. Patrick sighs, sliding his sweaty palms along his thighs, and looks away again, just in time to miss the expression on David's face as he finally opens his eyes again and looks at him. ]

I'm saying...

I'm saying...if you were open to another - [ He clears his throat. ] threesome...situation, with consent this time, then that might be something that I...might also...be interested in...exploring.

[ Flawless.

He's quick to mitigate his words, though, speaking hurriedly before David has a chance to reply. ]

But only - only if you really wanted it, David. I meant what I said. All I need is you. And if this isn't something you want, you really want, then I'll never ask again. I don't care if I didn't get the...experiences you did. I love you.

[ It is so, so hard to wait patiently while his furiously blushing husband stammers out his answer, but once he's finished, David lets the silence stretch. He has to because he's still riding the end of the ridiculous wave of tension that Patrick had created in David during this conversation and which he'd just finally broken, and eventually, after taking a very deep breath and shakily exhaling, David lowers his face into his hands to collect himself for a second.

Then, gently, he reaches out and takes Patrick's disgustingly clammy hand in both of his own. He waits, somehow keeping his silence, until his husband is willing to make eye contact. ]

What the fuck is the matter with you!?

[ The words are harsh, but behind them and in his expression, there is such joy and relief that David suddenly realizes he's tearing up slightly again but for a completely different reason this time. ]

Why did you have to make something fun sound like you were ready to divorce me? And probably run off with Thor?

[ He doesn't wait for Patrick to answer and, feeling far less than articulate himself at the moment, David lets go of his hand, grabs Patrick's jaw with both of his, and drags him into a kiss.

When it's over, he speaks against his lips. ]

Of course that sounds like fun. [ And then, after leaning back: ]That's what all this was about? Why couldn't you just...? And you were just going to leave? [ He gestures at the packed bag beside them. ] Why!?

[ David's silent for far, far too long, and Patrick's just on the verge of apologizing, of retracting everything and swearing to never mention any of it again, when he reaches out to take his hand.

Even feeling David's emotions through the bond, even seeing the happiness and relief in his face, the words themselves freeze his heart for a moment, and he stares, speechless, utterly stock-still as David reaches out and drags him in for a kiss he only belatedly responds to. ]

I...

[ He follows David's gesture with his head, staring dumbly down at the bag, and shakes his head. ]

I didn't know how you'd react. I thought maybe - [ He exhales shakily, dragging a hand through his short hair. ] I didn't know. Neither of us - none of us were in our right minds. And then I felt like - I shouldn't, like it was wrong to - be so obsessed with it...

[ He stops, glancing back at David, with a tiny, hopeful smile. ]

You think it sounds like fun?

Obsessed, huh? [ He lets another shaky breath out through his growing smile and then David just shakes his head, biting his lip a little in that obviously interested way he has. ] You'll have to tell me more about that.

[ But the expression on Patrick's face, his big wide, hopeful eyes, just turn David inside out. Still, he can't help teasing him because it's helping to deflate the monster of anxiety their entire conversation had awoken in David. ]

Ohhh, my god. Yes, Bambi. It sounds fun.

[ He's about to go into more detail about couples he's been with in the past, about what he likes and doesn't like when it comes to multiple partners, but in an act of graciousness he thinks better of it and just knocks his forehead against his husband's for a moment. ]

I mean, like I said, some warning? Would have been appreciated? [ Another sarcastic little smirk when he sees worry crease Patrick's face again. ] But I think I showed up just on time. Right?

[ Patrick rolls his eyes - Bambi, really? - but he's smiling, happy and excited and most of all relieved. Maybe he'd made a fool of himself, but at least he hadn't ruined their relationship.

He laughs, still a little shaky, and leans his head forward to rest their foreheads together before drawing back again. ]

I'm sorry. I am.

[ Even if it hadn't been his fault, even if David isn't really blaming him, he's sorry. That's not something he ever should have had to walk in on unprepared.

Thank God it hadn't gone any further without him, or Patrick can't imagine how shitty and guilty he'd be feeling right now. He meets David's eyes, all sincere gratitude, and takes his hands again. ]

I'm so glad you did.

I love you.

𝔸𝔻 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸 ✰ 𝕀ℕ𝔹𝕆𝕏;

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