roseapothecary | 𝔸𝔻 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸 ✰ 𝕀ℕ𝔹𝕆𝕏;

[ David thought he was ready for the truth, but the admission still feels like a blow. For a moment it looks like he's going to say something, but he doesn't. He just looks away, blinks hard to keep from crying, and tries to wipe surreptitiously at the corner of his eye where a tear has gotten away from him. ]

I love you, too.

[ For a long stretch, he doesn't know what else to say. He sits down on the edge of their bed, rubs his face with his hands, and then looks up at Patrick. He tries not to look mournful. He tries to smile.

It isn't the end of his world if he doesn't make it the end of the world. ]

That's why I-- I can't tell you not to. That isn't love. [ But he hesitates, because David has never been sure about these things. ] Right?

[ He hadn't expected this to be easy, but even so, watching David's reaction feels like someone's scooping Patrick's heart out of his chest and dumping it on the ground. He stands there, feeling empty and helpless and like the absolute worst person in the world, as David wipes away a tear and tries to be brave.

But as soon as he realizes what David's trying to say, the way he's completely dismissing his own comfort and needs in order to give Patrick what he thinks he wants, Patrick's shaking his head, rushing over to sit on the bed next to him. ]

No - no.

[ He shakes his head again, adamant, and then after a moment of prolonged hesitation, reaches out to take David's hand in both of his, empathy bond and all. ]

You're allowed to have boundaries. Okay? I made a committment to you. A promise.

[ He squeezes David's hand, and though he knows and hates that David will feel the undercurrent of regret that Patrick does, he's hoping against hope that the love and devotion and sincerity he's sending his way will be enough to at least make up for it. ]

If that's not - something you want - we don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Ever. We don't even have to talk about it, ever again. Okay?

[ When Patrick tells him 'no', the look of determined acceptance on David's face shatters into something lost because he's just so confused. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to handle this? The questions are put on hold when Patrick takes David's hands and the rush of the connection between them makes David want to cry again. He refuses to do so, even though he can't help how the empathy bond broadcasts how adrift he feels. ]

You're all I want.

[ It comes out in a very small voice because it's frightening how true it is. David clears his throat aggressively and looks away to gather himself before continuing. ]

But that doesn't mean that's fair to you. I've done the catting around. I had the chance. You... haven't.

[ It was always something David had been nervous about. From the very beginning, as exciting as it had been to hear that he was Patrick's first real, romantic kiss, it was also something weighing on him; that one single experience couldn't possibly be enough for Patrick. Just because he found David when he didn't shouldn't mean that the rest of his sexual life should be locked away.

And David doesn't want that if there's a chance it will make Patrick resent him. ]

I want you to be happy. That's all.

[ Patrick can't help the way his forehead creases in confusion. True, he'd been beating himself up about this, but David had seemed perfectly willing to accept Patrick's 'gift' of a happy ending from a stranger the morning of their wedding. He'd been just as happy to venture out and see what Jake might have planned for them both, earlier in their realationship. He'd even been part of a 'throuple' before, hadn't he?

He just...never would have predicted that he might be the one looking for more now, while David was satisfied with what they had.

It's a surprise, and, if he's honest with himself, a bit of a disappointment. After all, David had seemed to enjoy himself with Thor too, and he'd thought...

But it doesn't matter. If Patrick is all David wants, if he's happy with what he has, like hell is Patrick going to protest that. ]

I am happy. I promise.

I married you, David. [ And he squeezes his hand again, thumb rubbing over his engagement rings for emphasis. ] It's not unfair to...to expect me to honor that.

[ David can feel Patrick's confusion through the bond and even though he doesn't know what to make of it, he winds their fingers together that much tighter and tries his hardest to believe what Patrick is telling him. He knows it's true.

But he also knows he's still missing something. ]

I know.

[ His heart feels like it's going to burst when Patrick runs his finger over David's rings and he forces himself to make the offer, despite all of the unknowns it could introduce into their marriage. ]

I'm just... I'm just saying. If you ever want to step out? Just... talk to me, okay? [ David hasn't wanted anyone since Patrick, but expecting the same isn't realistic, he's realizing. ] It isn't fair that I should be the only... experience you ever have.

[ Patrick looks down at their hands, smiling a little when David tightens his grip. It's not a completely happy smile. Even as he'd felt guilty and conflicting for even wanting this, he'd still harbored a little shred of hope. That once he confessed to what he was feeling, David would understand. His face would light up and he'd give Patrick that slow, smoldering grin, lips all twisted up to one side. He'd lean in close and whisper I liked it too.

Stupid.

But it's not a big deal. It had just been an idea, one he'd barely been able to admit he was fantasizing about, even to himself. David's not interested, and David's the one who's important to Patrick. So that's that.

But of course, David can't just let it be that. Patrick sighs out quietly through his nose, closing his eyes and waiting for him to finish. It doesn't even make sense. This isn't something they can exactly compromise on, and if David thinks for one second that Patrick's going to let him guilt himself into participating in something he's not one thousand percent on board with, just so Patrick can have an experience...

He stops. Actually processes David's words for a second. Rewinds their conversation in his head.

Then slowly raises his head to look at him. ]

What...do you mean, step out?

[ Thanks to the empathy bond that's had plenty of time to sharpen and refine itself between the two of them, David can feel that sharp left turn in Patrick's train of thought, even if he doesn't know what to make of it.

His expression quirks into a question as he meets his husband's odd gaze. Does he really need to clarify? He thought everyone was familiar with that euphemism. ]

Well... cheating on me sounds so... crass? And incorrect? If you have my permission, I mean. We'd need a better word.

But not swinging, god. Ew.

[ Does internal screaming count as an emotion? If so, David's probably being mentally deafened right about now.

Crass doesn't begin to cover it. He actually yanks his hands back, which is probably not the best move at the moment, but he's so viscerally disgusted and horrified - is that what David had thought he was asking for? - it happens before he can stop it. ]

I wasn't -

[ It's also hard just to find the words for what he wants to say, just how much he wants to disabuse David of everything he's apparently been thinking for this whole conversation, leaving Patrick tongue-tied and floundering. ]

I don't - want - to - I don't want to cheat on you, David!

That's not what - I never wanted that!

[ It does count and David is overwhelmed in the brief moments of Patrick's realization before he snatches his hands back from David's, but it's nothing compared to the complete confusion that settles over him as he watches his husband try to sputter out a response to David's suggestion. A suggestion, by the way, that he'd thought was extremely generous given what he'd just been told (or, it's slowly dawning on him, maybe not-quite told).

He just gapes, open-mouthed, until it seems like Patrick has paused for a proper breath. ]

Well!?

[ It comes out shrill with an accompanying frantic, hand-flapping gesture because David has been trying, really trying, to handle this as gently as he can and he truly does not like feeling like an idiot. He's never felt more at a loss in a conversation with Patrick - at least not since the day he'd found out that he was secretly engaged - and that wonderful flashback is not helping how at a loss he feels right now. ]

How about you tell me what you do want, then? [ His expression is a picture of 'help me out here?' ] Let's start there!?

[ Clearly articulating what he actually means, what a concept. But all Patrick can do is stare for a moment as he tries to put the pieces together and reframe this whole conversation.

And remind himself that just because David had thought he was proposing something else, doesn't mean he'll be any more amenable to what Patrick was talking about. ]

I want.

[ He swallows, and looks away again, staring straight ahead at the wall. ]

I - don't know that I want it, exactly. I haven't. [ He closes his eyes briefly. He'd been trying to leave when David had walked in, after all. He hadn't wanted to ask for this, he'd wanted to...stop wanting it. ]

But I liked...I liked being with both of you, David. At the same time. I liked...I liked that it was you, specifically, and me and...someone else.

[ He flushes further and further as he speaks, the red creeping up from his collar, his face hot. ]

That's what I...couldn't stop thinking about.

[ When Patrick starts with 'I want' and then trails off into nothingness, David sweeps his hand around in another impatient gesture as if to say 'come ON'. He doesn't appreciate the way that Patrick fixes his gaze on the wall instead of him but at least he has the little sliver of grace left in him that it takes to just listen to Patrick without cutting him off in frustration.

But once it sinks in, David just stares.

Then he closes his eyes, tilts his head back and presses the heels of his hands to both temples as though he's listening to the worse song in the world. ]

Oh. My god. So. [ He purses his lips and shakes his head and it seems like his eyebrows can't decide between scrunching together and reaching for his hairline. He still hasn't opened his eyes. ] What exactly are you saying, Patrick?

[ David has no interest in embarrassing himself once again by jumping to a conclusion he sees as obvious but which apparently might not be, but there's also a part of him that wants to make Patrick articulate himself better. He owes David.

He finally opens his eyes and the look he settles on his husband is one of almost good-natured impatience. Well?? ]

[ He's trying. He is, and he pushes forward as best he can, valiantly ignoring David's dramatic gesture of impatience in his peripheral vision. But it's still not a great explanation, and he knows it. Partly because he's still coming to terms with the idea himself.

He glances sidelong at David, wary, but for once his husband's reaction is inscrutable. With his eyes squeezed tightly shut and his head tilted up to the sky, it's impossible to tell if he's about to laugh in pure joy or kick Patrick out of the room on his ass after all. Patrick sighs, sliding his sweaty palms along his thighs, and looks away again, just in time to miss the expression on David's face as he finally opens his eyes again and looks at him. ]

I'm saying...

I'm saying...if you were open to another - [ He clears his throat. ] threesome...situation, with consent this time, then that might be something that I...might also...be interested in...exploring.

[ Flawless.

He's quick to mitigate his words, though, speaking hurriedly before David has a chance to reply. ]

But only - only if you really wanted it, David. I meant what I said. All I need is you. And if this isn't something you want, you really want, then I'll never ask again. I don't care if I didn't get the...experiences you did. I love you.

[ It is so, so hard to wait patiently while his furiously blushing husband stammers out his answer, but once he's finished, David lets the silence stretch. He has to because he's still riding the end of the ridiculous wave of tension that Patrick had created in David during this conversation and which he'd just finally broken, and eventually, after taking a very deep breath and shakily exhaling, David lowers his face into his hands to collect himself for a second.

Then, gently, he reaches out and takes Patrick's disgustingly clammy hand in both of his own. He waits, somehow keeping his silence, until his husband is willing to make eye contact. ]

What the fuck is the matter with you!?

[ The words are harsh, but behind them and in his expression, there is such joy and relief that David suddenly realizes he's tearing up slightly again but for a completely different reason this time. ]

Why did you have to make something fun sound like you were ready to divorce me? And probably run off with Thor?

[ He doesn't wait for Patrick to answer and, feeling far less than articulate himself at the moment, David lets go of his hand, grabs Patrick's jaw with both of his, and drags him into a kiss.

When it's over, he speaks against his lips. ]

Of course that sounds like fun. [ And then, after leaning back: ]That's what all this was about? Why couldn't you just...? And you were just going to leave? [ He gestures at the packed bag beside them. ] Why!?

[ David's silent for far, far too long, and Patrick's just on the verge of apologizing, of retracting everything and swearing to never mention any of it again, when he reaches out to take his hand.

Even feeling David's emotions through the bond, even seeing the happiness and relief in his face, the words themselves freeze his heart for a moment, and he stares, speechless, utterly stock-still as David reaches out and drags him in for a kiss he only belatedly responds to. ]

I...

[ He follows David's gesture with his head, staring dumbly down at the bag, and shakes his head. ]

I didn't know how you'd react. I thought maybe - [ He exhales shakily, dragging a hand through his short hair. ] I didn't know. Neither of us - none of us were in our right minds. And then I felt like - I shouldn't, like it was wrong to - be so obsessed with it...

[ He stops, glancing back at David, with a tiny, hopeful smile. ]

You think it sounds like fun?

Obsessed, huh? [ He lets another shaky breath out through his growing smile and then David just shakes his head, biting his lip a little in that obviously interested way he has. ] You'll have to tell me more about that.

[ But the expression on Patrick's face, his big wide, hopeful eyes, just turn David inside out. Still, he can't help teasing him because it's helping to deflate the monster of anxiety their entire conversation had awoken in David. ]

Ohhh, my god. Yes, Bambi. It sounds fun.

[ He's about to go into more detail about couples he's been with in the past, about what he likes and doesn't like when it comes to multiple partners, but in an act of graciousness he thinks better of it and just knocks his forehead against his husband's for a moment. ]

I mean, like I said, some warning? Would have been appreciated? [ Another sarcastic little smirk when he sees worry crease Patrick's face again. ] But I think I showed up just on time. Right?

[ Patrick rolls his eyes - Bambi, really? - but he's smiling, happy and excited and most of all relieved. Maybe he'd made a fool of himself, but at least he hadn't ruined their relationship.

He laughs, still a little shaky, and leans his head forward to rest their foreheads together before drawing back again. ]

I'm sorry. I am.

[ Even if it hadn't been his fault, even if David isn't really blaming him, he's sorry. That's not something he ever should have had to walk in on unprepared.

Thank God it hadn't gone any further without him, or Patrick can't imagine how shitty and guilty he'd be feeling right now. He meets David's eyes, all sincere gratitude, and takes his hands again. ]

I'm so glad you did.

I love you.

Don't be.

[ David is adamant about that and he sounds it. After how upset Patrick had gotten the last time he'd been compelled into doing something similar, David doesn't want to make any more waves than they've already handled. ]

I don't know if you noticed, but I, um...? Got over it pretty fast.

[ But that earnest, sweet reassurance makes David's smirk turn into an almost shy smile the moment Patrick takes his hands. ]

Yeah? [ Even still, after Patrick's shown him in so many ways that he always picks him first, David still can't quite believe it. ] You weren't, like... secretly disappointed you had to share him?

[ He is sorry. But he smiles at David, grateful for his understanding and forgiveness. At least that's one less obstacle for them to navigate.

When David asks if he was disappointed, though, it's Patrick's turn to stare at him like he's nuts. ]

Disappointed?

[ He shakes his head, fingers twining with David's, never breaking eye contact. ]

No. Absolutely not. I want to share everything with you, David.

[ And that's one hundred percent true, as far as their sex life goes. Even as he says it, though, Patrick can feel himself hesitating. He's mostly gotten used to the empathy bond, to the feeling of sharing literally everything with David, of having a front-row, right-in-the-splash-zone seat to every one of David's soaring emotional highs and crushing lows, his panic attacks and fits of insecurity - and of David having access to every one of Patrick's stray feelings, even the ones that might inadvertently hurt him, that Patrick, under normal circumstances, would absolutely have hidden away, if only to protect David from making mountains out of molehills and spiralling unnecessarily. He's learned to deal with it. They both have, and the most part, it's been fine. Even good, more often than not.

But does he want that? If he had a choice, would he choose to share...everything?

Case in point, the whole confusing swirl of emotions passes through the bond, and Patrick meets David's eyes, embarrassed and ashamed. He hates not feeling like he's all in on their relationship. Hates giving David even the slightest opening to convince himself that he's somehow...too much for Patrick. Hates giving him a reason to doubt.

He squeezes David's hands, and tries again. More specific this time. Something David will be able to tell he absolutely means. ]

I would never want to do it again, unless you were there with me.

[ With Thor, or with anyone else. ]

[ David isn't sure what to make of that hesitance he feels through the empathy bond. While there are certain things he feels that he, too, would certainly choose to keep private (like all the ways in which he's prone to being self-conscious or self-pitying) had he a choice, David also knows that realistically, he's painfully easy to read. He knows his expressions and body language are basically a billboard announcing his moods in block lettering.

Patrick, on the other hand, often has to have difficult truths dragged out of him, as this conversation has certainly reminded David. He tries not to take it personally, but since he takes absolutely everything personally (because how could anything not be about him?), it's a challenge to say the least.

And sometimes it's easier just to brush off his own simmering distress with a joke. ]

So you're saying... if I die first, you're going to live a life of celibacy?

[ They're going to have to talk about it sometime. The bond, the stress it puts them under, the way Patrick in particular can get so caught up in not wanting David to pick up on any of his doubts or annoyances or anxieties that he starts feeling anxious about David feeling them, which David picks up on through the bond, which makes the problem worse than it would have been if Patrick had just let himself feel what he's going to feel in the first place.

Maybe the two of them and a therapist can talk about it, actually.

But for now, Patrick doesn't want to address it, even as he feels David's uneasiness and vague distress in response to Patrick's own.

So he doesn't.

Instead, he laughs, only having to force it a little, and leans forward for a quick kiss. ]

Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

𝔸𝔻 𝔸𝕊𝕋ℝ𝔸 ✰ 𝕀ℕ𝔹𝕆𝕏;

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